Thursday, November 20, 2014

Put it on

Lesley and I have been having some very interesting conversations. The fact being that I've been away from her for 5 years shows that we have plenty more to talk about, but today I will address one thing - the way we dress.

Let me emphasize on this. I meant, the reason behind why sometimes Lesley and I couldn't care less about dressing up. I think that because my mom came from a different era, she's always telling us to brush our hair, put on some lipstick, etc. when we go out.I believe in the 60's and 70's it was manners to look decent when you walked out of the house. Hahaha. We can begin with the undoubtable fact that Lesley and I can be rude. Not all the time, I mean, we're usually pretty decent girls (I think), but there's something wired in us that causes us to lash out when we're done trying to follow society's ideals of what we should be.

We're told we're too "lazy" to care for our appearance. But our hair is like a wild mess that will only spring back to its roots if we try to tame it. So combing our hair isn't something we do too often. I like to think of my hair as the thick forest in the story of Sleeping Beauty - full of tangles that regenerate when you try to cut through them with a brush. And contrary to my pictures online, I do not live in makeup. Lesley and I agreed that we do not like putting on makeup too often. In fact, you are more likely to meet us completely plain-faced than with full-on makeup 95% of the time. It's not that we don't like makeup - we do. We do like painting our faces, because as hypocritical as it sounds, makeup does make those who wear it feel better about themselves.

But the sole reason that Lesley and I don't like doing the whole shebang of dressing up and putting on  makeup is because we hate it when guys look at us. I'm being brutally honest here. And I'm sure if you're a guy reading this, you'd feel a little offended. Like we're supposed to take it as a compliment when you stare. And it was the strangest thing because I thought I was the only one who felt that way, but then I found out that Lesley doesn't like dressing up either and we agreed that the main deterrent for us was because as good as dressing up made us feel, we felt far worse to have the gaze of men on us. And the more we talked about it, the more I realized that we can't be the only two girls who feel this way. I bet there are tons of girls out there who put down their makeup and forgo their fashion sense day after day in the hopes that if they looked unattractive enough, men would stop looking at them.

I know that what I've written so far could be read another way. "I can't believe these girls think they're so freaking gorgeous that men just can't stop staring at them and all they do is complain about it." Lesley and I are not the most beautiful beings on the planet. We know full well that we are far from that, but it hasn't stopped men from looking at us inappropriately ALL THE TIME. Actually, let's not even discuss "inappropriately". In our ideal world the only reason a male human being should look at us is if we were making a speech or having a conversation. We would like so much more to be appreciated for whatever beauty we have within. Our souls, our minds. Because we are weird and wonderful and human, not something on display for you to just look at because it's "pretty".

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


On August 29th I took my very last flight from LA to come home to Malaysia. I didn't tell anyone because I wanted to surprise some people (like my baby sister and Dinnish, most of all) but also because I didn't want it to be some big deal, y'know? I mean, there's no need for fanfare, I'm just coming home, and knowing that simple fact was enough for me to rejoice on my own. It was strange because my emotions about going home were not completely established. I was very sad to leave some friends I had become so close to in Lubbock - they had become like family because they were constantly around, we drove each other a little crazy, and we did every little menial thing together. So being at the Lubbock airport for the last time was just surreal to me - I feel like it still hasn't dawned on me that I might never go back there again. Right now, it's as though I'm beginning a new chapter of my life when I'm actually returning to an old one, and it's just a little hard figuring out my place in all of this.
I do want you to know that I was also really happy to finally be going home for good. I mean, I don't know what God has planned for me in the future location-wise, but I've always, always let Him decide where I've gone in my life in terms of studies, jobs; the bigger decisions. And He's never steered me wrong, y'know, so why would I try to change that now?

The biggest aspect of my return has been geared towards spending time with my family, and of course my boyfriend, who just left for Poland two days ago. But let's talk about that later. I'd just seen my family in December last year, so 8 months is not that long I guess. But that doesn't mean that the issue of missing them was completely resolved. When I was in the US I did either one of two things in terms of my relationships with people back in Malaysia: I either barely said a word to them the entire time I was there, or I talked to them everyday. I did not talk to my mom, dad, or Lesley very often because it made me very sad. I got sad very easily. There's no intelligent way to phrase it. And if you miss too many people and think about them too often, it'll drive you insane. Certain circumstances call for certain measures, and my mental defenses reacted by not dealing with these issues.
So I only talked to Dinnish everyday. Aside from him being my boyfriend, ignoring all the things that have to do with relationships, Dinnish is (and has been for the past 5 years) my best friend. I've told him everything that's in my heart. He knows me like the smooth grain of an old wooden keychain. He's treated me so well for all the times we've been through, and he's shown me that none of us are perfect. He has been there for me when I choked out words I could never say to another living soul. I spent almost every day with him from the moment I came home, up til when he left for Poland. Y'know, people don't know what we go through. It's very easy to just observe what's going on in someone else's life, and I get it. They said, Oh he's leaving when you just got back. But we've known that for quite a long time now. The truth is that Dinnish and I know what we're doing on our own - it's really nobody else's business, because how can it be? We're the only two people who've completely experienced what we've gone through. No one else has experienced our pain, missing each other. The long hours spent alone in between talking to each other. But also the incontrollable laughs over video, even messages. The warm feeling at night falling asleep and knowing they're there if you wake. The little things; they've always been the most important. We may tell our friends or family how we feel, but they would never know. And I'm not saying we can predict the future and that we have it completely planned out, but I feel like we're the beginning of a great story being written. There's no draft. If there's a mistake, it stays as a part of the book. But this is also how those little sparks of brilliance come out, things that can't be planned by any outline. If we finish our story together, completely, that would be enough.

On a lighter note, I don't have an eating agenda and it's one of the things that has surprised me about my return. As opposed to all the previous times I was home, I now lack a time constraint as to the amount/certain types of food I can eat, so I've been going with the flow. I think I've only eaten a same dish twice in the last month that I've been home, and that really says something about Malaysian cuisine. In the US they have problems with the amount of things a restaurant can have on its menu, but I was at the mamak the other day and I honestly believe that there is such a thing as an infinite menu.

I really do look forward to seeing everyone here again, even if we have no planned meetings, seeing you in passing would be great as well, because that tells me you're alive, you're well, and up and about which is a wonderful thing to be. I have missed my people and my home so terribly, it's good to be here again.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014


I'm about to hit 10k for all time. Hahaha. I figure, not a lot of people read what I write, but considering the fact that I went to school for writing, if I'm not writing for a job I should at least be keeping this blog updated.

However, there's way too much that I haven't kept you readers up to date with so let's just start with what's on now. Um, I now hang out with 3 gay guys who have become mine and Ashleigh's best summer buds (and hopefully buds for much longer than that). I bought Warby Parkers which are like TOMS but for glasses. I hadn't checked my prescription for more than two years prior to this so you can imagine my surprise when the female optometrist I went to told me that my "power" had gone down by about 1.00 in my left eye. Which is amazing. I also found out that your power can decrease by just the simple fact that your eyes continue to "grow" up until your late 20's. Which means that if you intend to get laser eye surgery, you should probably do it much later than the supposed age of 21. Fascinating, fascinating stuff.

I think this is Bensen, in Whiskey Tortoise. Has an aviator sort of flair - of very sturdy quality.

My career life is in limbo, at the moment. Sometimes I wonder what my degree and experience so far in the US can get me at home. I worry it might be too little, even though I hope it's enough. Fat chance though, thinking about how competitive people in KL are, especially those who want to succeed.

I've never taken a picture of my diploma before, but this is how it looks like.
I am also going to start saying that I majored in Humanities instead of Creative Writing so I don't get "the look".

Um, I'd been going to parties, meeting new people. It's fun, I assume that's what my college life should have consisted of but I was really way more concerned about finishing school than I was about humans and human interactions. I haven't decided if I really like it though.

I've been trying to read. I bought "The Pindar Diamond" by Katie Hickman, "The Cypress House" by Michael Koryta, "Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac" by Gabrielle Zevin, and "Micro" by Michael Crichton and Richard Preston. If you don't know any of those books, that's okay, I've never heard of them either. For all I know they could be extremely popular, but I tend to shy away from popular books, which include half of Harry Potter, all of the Hunger Games, most of the Chronicles of Narnia, and more. It's not a big deal, I just like weird books. Like the ones that get cast aside and forgotten while all the popular ones get turned into movies that I won't watch on my own volition.

These were also $1 each. If you're in Lubbock and want one, or all of these, let me know.

Other than that, there's nothing much going on. I'm in a state of disarray preparing for events to come and hopefully I will get to share that with you as well when the time comes.


Monday, May 26, 2014

Breaking up

I love my sweet blog and I've had a long run with it but I don't currently have a digital camera so it's extremely difficult for me to upload great pictures here, especially when all my pictures are taken by my iPod. Yeah, I know I'm behind on technology but I've never kept up with the Joneses.

So I'm thinking of closing this down.

It's really sad because I love to write. Writing is everything I've wanted to do and people twist and turn it into something that's wholly un-enjoyable for me. Nowadays nobody reads. Nobody even wants to pick up a book. Everything is digital. Everybody wants pictures and short captions instead of lengthy articles. Sure, there's that one article or two that you read because it has a misguided title like "Why This Pastor Is Getting A Divorce Next Year" but he means "with his phone". I hate stuff like that. Why can't titles of things just be straightforward and to-the-point?

I really want to continue blogging, but blogger is just old. There's no way I can upload my pictures straight from my iPod and it's too much of a hassle for me to plug it in and download the photos. Plus pictures look different when it's on a tiny screen as opposed to the computer.

So I'm either moving to tumblr, dayre, or something else that I hope Apple comes up with in the near future that becomes a huge hit (people need to make reading a trend again, thank you Oyster for contributing).

Until then, Dinnish and I started a tumblr for ourselves. And for other people. It's actually really difficult putting yourself out there especially when you're a mostly private person pertaining to your relationships. We're not sure of the direction yet, because we're really busy so we haven't gotten to talk fully about this tumblog we're running. However, we have a few posts on it already and some really good feedback so far.

Here is a large image of what it looks like for now. If that makes you wanna go over, just click here: We're taking questions for anything at the moment, so give us your worst. Haha. No, don't do that. I'd hate to turn away a question.


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Just shut up

I think there is something very sick about using social media to express grief. I understand the topic I'm dealing with is a very delicate one, especially when it concerns Malaysia Airlines' missing flight.

I've wanted so much not to talk about this, especially when I spend so much time online writing about my opinions. However, in light of Malaysia's official statement concerning MH370, I think it's a little safer now to assume that most of the ordeal is over. Of course, it would never just be "over" for everyone affected by this tragedy, but hopefully they've been granted some closure.

I just wanted to say first of all how I cannot possibly put into words what I feel for the immediate families and friends of those involved with the flight. If I were any of them, I would probably be one of those weeping hysterically and uncontrollably, unwillingly letting the press take photos of my "grief". That in itself is a whole other issue. I really think people should not be taking photos of people who are in pain unless it's for an important cause, not to gain attention for your stupid Facebook news page or retweets in the thousands, because I SEE people doing that.

I think it's disgusting and shameful that people would actually use a nation's grief just to get attention on the internet. It's sick. Even Malaysians are doing it. Seeing these things on the Internet doesn't even comfort me, so I can't imagine it comforting those who are directly affected. In fact, all these attention-seeking social media posts just make me want to throw up - not in the sarcastic, ugh-I'm-so-much-better-than-you way but more like it genuinely makes me feel sick to the stomach thinking about the people in my country who are grieving and having others USE their pain for news and popularity (I literally feel like I'm choking as I write this). It kind of makes me wonder if this is what other people feel when things that happen in their own country hits global news and everyone starts using it like they own that information. Like they know what's going on. And all we wanna say is just, "No. No, you have no clue what is happening with us so just shut up."

Look, I have read posts where people are genuinely expressing their grief/condolences. But these posts are VERY different from the millions of those with underlying intentions that are really saying, "Hey, have you heard about the flight from this lesser-known Asian country going totally missing? Gimme likes and some retweets coz I'm starving for attention and I'm only mentioning this event because it would get me that attention, not because I actually care about the pain these people are going through". It is this latter type of posts that just make me sick. I feel so, so bad for those who are affected. I didn't have a single person I knew on that plane, and I still feel horrible. It's my country. It's my people. And I feel even worse when I see the rest of the world either using this event to generate popularity or making fun of the way Malaysia is handling this issue. Hey, cut us some slack. You don't know us. And it's not everyday that we have to deal with an entire plane just vanishing. If you do your research instead of just blindly believing what these attention-seeking news groups are saying, you'll know that both the Boeing and Malaysian Airlines have had great statistics for functioning pretty well. Maybe there's some conspiracy behind it. Maybe not. Bottom line is, the people who are already grieving shouldn't be given even more trash to deal with, like hiding from the paparazzi, being locked away in terminals/hotels, or being denied updated information. I want to believe that those in charge did the best they could in helping those in pain. I want to believe that Malaysians aren't as heartless as they seem, and that we weren't looking for opportunities for our government instead of caring for our own people. My heart truly aches with those who are aching, and my words fall short of expressing any condolences that may even come close to comforting them.

Malaysia is a country of varying religions and races. We don't always get along, we don't always unite together as a single people, and we don't always believe in the same things. But I know we're a country of faith, and hopefully that's enough for us to get by. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Making it up

I don't know if any of you are familiar with the things my sister and I do, but you might have figured out by now that we're really into making things. Well, let's just say we can get pretty creative. We're not the best, but I know that we actually like doing it. Our biggest feat in college was updating a coffee table and a TV stand to match (both of which our friends have now pawned off of us). But I wanted to show you my latest creation because I'm actually making it Etsy legit! Yes, I think it becomes legitimate just because I put it on Etsy.

For those of you who have things listed on Etsy, you know that it's a commitment. And for those of you who have only bought off of Etsy, PLEASE give me a chance. Here's what I've got:

A custom bracelet with a streamlined herringbone design, made with colored suede leather and finished with gold or silver hex nuts.

I'm selling them for $12.99 each, but unless you can walk right up to me and have me hand them over to you, shipping to anywhere in the US will be $5.00. I know you may be thinking like, what? A bracelet for 17 bucks? Which is why I really couldn't help myself and wrote a lengthy explanation of why they cost that much, if you are interested, after the jump.